Sunday, February 26, 2017
diary of a mormon girl: I am who I am.
diary of a mormon girl: I am who I am.: I want to begin by saying I do not wish to boast about myself in any way. I felt inspired to write this. I also do not intend for anyone to ...
diary of a mormon girl: Life isn't fair.
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diary of a mormon girl: All we need to do is wave!
diary of a mormon girl: All we need to do is wave!: Everyone, This is James Huffer. I met James this afternoon on the corner of West Temple and North Temple, hunched over, carrying his sign...
diary of a mormon girl: I am who I am.
diary of a mormon girl: I am who I am.: I want to begin by saying I do not wish to boast about myself in any way. I felt inspired to write this. I also do not intend for anyone to ...
I am who I am.
I want to begin by saying I do not wish to boast about myself in any way. I felt inspired to write this. I also do not intend for anyone to feel sorry for me or wish me better days. Life is amazing! It is so hard, but that is true for everyone. All I wish is to share my experiences, raw and unfiltered.
Why do we struggle with who we are?
Why do I struggle with who I am?
How is it that I allow the influence of the world, the things I see and hear from the news and even close friends and family, distort my vision of who I am to the Lord?
Today was a little rough.
No.
Today was the culmination of many days that eventually broke me, turning me into a self-doubting believer. And the thing about today, is it wasn't even a big deal! But what happened, happened at the right time and from the right person, causing me to feel inadequate.
I want to be clear; I am not writing a bitter diatribe about the cruelties of others and the way they "make" us feel. I am choosing to share this because I want to be real and honest. We hear that we all fake our happiness in order to keep face and appear more attractive.
Why?
If we know we all experience moments like this, why do we find it impossible to become vulnerable with one another? Of course I am not advising we all express our deepest, darkest moments all the time, but I do wish the negative stigma of experiencing these times in life would not cause us to feel shame and shy away from the opportunity to counsel with one another.
Like I mentioned, there have been recent circumstances in life where I have questioned my character? Not in the sense that I have done something bad and now fear I am changed forever, but that who I am and how I choose to treat others makes me a weak person.
All my life I have been told I am sweet, kind, and loving. None of those things are bad. In fact, many people work hard to attain these characteristics. But as of late, I have given into the idea that these qualities I possess make me a weak person unable to stand up for myself. Yes, it is true; I do not like confrontation and I would rather turn the other cheek and ignore the person, ESPECIALLY if I do not have further connections with them.
A few weeks ago, I was awarded Employee of the Year. I was excited. I felt pride in my work ethic. But then people started telling me its because I am so kind and never complain. They tell me its because I never talk back or question what is being asked of me.
I hated this.
I actually felt annoyed.
I felt weak.
I felt like the award had nothing to do with the programs I created for my classroom or the milestones I have made with challenging kids.
Did I have complaints? Of course! So why did I not voice them?
Maybe its because they were petty complaints. We don't live in a perfect world so how can I assume I will get my way with everything?
Maybe I can explain it better this way:
My mom is a very hard worker. She works for Disney and was scheduled to work Christmas day. Everyone, including my dad was trying to convince her to call in because she deserves to stay home with her family.
This is true.
But what she said I will always remember, and I hope others can learn from this as well.
She told my dad that she could call in. In fact, she wanted to. But that meant that someone else would be called in to fill her shift. Someone else would be called away from their family and their Christmas celebrations, all because my mom wanted to have her own perfect Christmas holiday.
Does this make her weak?
I certainly don't see her that way. I think she is strong because of this.
Another story:
I remember a friend describing to me and a few others, in detail and with great frustration, their recent trip to the mechanic. They felt they were being ripped off and boasted pridefully how they yelled at the man in front of the store, demanding their money back and threatening to write horrible reviews and never come back again.
I did not agree with this behavior.
I felt uneasy and experienced sympathy for the gentleman. Maybe he did deserve it. But what I could not stop thinking about was how everyone in the group encouraged her, and even high-fived her for "being strong". What is confusing to me is that these are the same people I hear complaining how evil the world is. I want to ask them, "What are you doing to make it better?"
This is just one scenario amongst thousands I have experienced in life where my choice of action would be different, and this difference helps me to feel inferior. If they are "strong" for doing what they did, than that makes me "weak" for wanting to be different.
I choose to NOT react because I am convinced that is how the Savior would be. Of course every situation is different and I will not always be able to follow the same rule all the time, but I try, I really try, to see where other people are coming from, trying to walk in their shoes, if you will. So much miscommunication happens because we don't really listen to each other. We look but we are not really seeing what people around us are going through.
So yes, I have been feeling confused and wondering where the line would be drawn for me in situations like this. Is it the right thing to do to become frustrated and upset causing others to feel the same, or should we really try harder to not be a little nicer, even if they are undeserving? If your answer is, "No one is perfect. We just have to let people make the choice they want to make", then why do people look at me the way they do for making the choice I make? Why do they feel sorry for me because they think I cannot stand up for myself?
Today was hard, but this evening was perfect.
My stake held a special fireside with Sister Elaine S. Dalton as the speaker.
She was exemplary.
This would make my second fireside with a female church leader as the guest speaker, and let me tell you, when they speak in such an intimate setting, it is amazing how the spirit helps you to feel.
I can't explain it.
All I can say that will make sense to you is that she is a true follower of Christ, and even though she no longer holds the calling of General Young Women's leader, her love and appreciation for the sisters in the church is just the same. I was a young women the time she was called to be a the General YW leader, and we talked a little about that; how the way we have matured and grown our testimonies entering into adulthood is just the way they(the leaders of the church) saw us growing up. We are the testament to them that the church is true and the YM and YW programs do work and benefit those who participate.
She shared a lot of incredible stories and experiences.
As she continued to share, I thought about who I am now and how I am trying to change and become more tough.
And then I felt foolish.
I felt foolish for falling for the evil one, and his dirty, tricky ways. Why would I ever want to be more mean!?
Then she shared her experience of attending a General Authority training meeting with President Hinckley. President Hinckley was at the pulpit during this meeting where he said the women of the church will be the one bright and shining light to help the world see when life becomes so dark and bitter. He also said for the first time that we are headed quickly to the days of Sodom and Gomorrah(not a good thing).
She told of another time when a prominent church leader said to her privately in a meeting that if the righteous women of the church unite with one voice, to stand against evil, our influence to the world will be incalculable.
Wow!
I needed this meeting. I realized that I am not weak because I choose to show charity. I recalled this quote given by Elder Christofferson in general conference Oct. 2013. It was originally stated by the former general Young Women's president, Margaret D. Nadauld.
Why do we struggle with who we are?
Why do I struggle with who I am?
How is it that I allow the influence of the world, the things I see and hear from the news and even close friends and family, distort my vision of who I am to the Lord?
Today was a little rough.
No.
Today was the culmination of many days that eventually broke me, turning me into a self-doubting believer. And the thing about today, is it wasn't even a big deal! But what happened, happened at the right time and from the right person, causing me to feel inadequate.
I want to be clear; I am not writing a bitter diatribe about the cruelties of others and the way they "make" us feel. I am choosing to share this because I want to be real and honest. We hear that we all fake our happiness in order to keep face and appear more attractive.
Why?
If we know we all experience moments like this, why do we find it impossible to become vulnerable with one another? Of course I am not advising we all express our deepest, darkest moments all the time, but I do wish the negative stigma of experiencing these times in life would not cause us to feel shame and shy away from the opportunity to counsel with one another.
Like I mentioned, there have been recent circumstances in life where I have questioned my character? Not in the sense that I have done something bad and now fear I am changed forever, but that who I am and how I choose to treat others makes me a weak person.
All my life I have been told I am sweet, kind, and loving. None of those things are bad. In fact, many people work hard to attain these characteristics. But as of late, I have given into the idea that these qualities I possess make me a weak person unable to stand up for myself. Yes, it is true; I do not like confrontation and I would rather turn the other cheek and ignore the person, ESPECIALLY if I do not have further connections with them.
A few weeks ago, I was awarded Employee of the Year. I was excited. I felt pride in my work ethic. But then people started telling me its because I am so kind and never complain. They tell me its because I never talk back or question what is being asked of me.
I hated this.
I actually felt annoyed.
I felt weak.
I felt like the award had nothing to do with the programs I created for my classroom or the milestones I have made with challenging kids.
Did I have complaints? Of course! So why did I not voice them?
Maybe its because they were petty complaints. We don't live in a perfect world so how can I assume I will get my way with everything?
Maybe I can explain it better this way:
My mom is a very hard worker. She works for Disney and was scheduled to work Christmas day. Everyone, including my dad was trying to convince her to call in because she deserves to stay home with her family.
This is true.
But what she said I will always remember, and I hope others can learn from this as well.
She told my dad that she could call in. In fact, she wanted to. But that meant that someone else would be called in to fill her shift. Someone else would be called away from their family and their Christmas celebrations, all because my mom wanted to have her own perfect Christmas holiday.
Does this make her weak?
I certainly don't see her that way. I think she is strong because of this.
Another story:
I remember a friend describing to me and a few others, in detail and with great frustration, their recent trip to the mechanic. They felt they were being ripped off and boasted pridefully how they yelled at the man in front of the store, demanding their money back and threatening to write horrible reviews and never come back again.
I did not agree with this behavior.
I felt uneasy and experienced sympathy for the gentleman. Maybe he did deserve it. But what I could not stop thinking about was how everyone in the group encouraged her, and even high-fived her for "being strong". What is confusing to me is that these are the same people I hear complaining how evil the world is. I want to ask them, "What are you doing to make it better?"
This is just one scenario amongst thousands I have experienced in life where my choice of action would be different, and this difference helps me to feel inferior. If they are "strong" for doing what they did, than that makes me "weak" for wanting to be different.
I choose to NOT react because I am convinced that is how the Savior would be. Of course every situation is different and I will not always be able to follow the same rule all the time, but I try, I really try, to see where other people are coming from, trying to walk in their shoes, if you will. So much miscommunication happens because we don't really listen to each other. We look but we are not really seeing what people around us are going through.
So yes, I have been feeling confused and wondering where the line would be drawn for me in situations like this. Is it the right thing to do to become frustrated and upset causing others to feel the same, or should we really try harder to not be a little nicer, even if they are undeserving? If your answer is, "No one is perfect. We just have to let people make the choice they want to make", then why do people look at me the way they do for making the choice I make? Why do they feel sorry for me because they think I cannot stand up for myself?
Today was hard, but this evening was perfect.
My stake held a special fireside with Sister Elaine S. Dalton as the speaker.
She was exemplary.
This would make my second fireside with a female church leader as the guest speaker, and let me tell you, when they speak in such an intimate setting, it is amazing how the spirit helps you to feel.
I can't explain it.
All I can say that will make sense to you is that she is a true follower of Christ, and even though she no longer holds the calling of General Young Women's leader, her love and appreciation for the sisters in the church is just the same. I was a young women the time she was called to be a the General YW leader, and we talked a little about that; how the way we have matured and grown our testimonies entering into adulthood is just the way they(the leaders of the church) saw us growing up. We are the testament to them that the church is true and the YM and YW programs do work and benefit those who participate.
She shared a lot of incredible stories and experiences.
As she continued to share, I thought about who I am now and how I am trying to change and become more tough.
And then I felt foolish.
I felt foolish for falling for the evil one, and his dirty, tricky ways. Why would I ever want to be more mean!?
Then she shared her experience of attending a General Authority training meeting with President Hinckley. President Hinckley was at the pulpit during this meeting where he said the women of the church will be the one bright and shining light to help the world see when life becomes so dark and bitter. He also said for the first time that we are headed quickly to the days of Sodom and Gomorrah(not a good thing).
She told of another time when a prominent church leader said to her privately in a meeting that if the righteous women of the church unite with one voice, to stand against evil, our influence to the world will be incalculable.
Wow!
I needed this meeting. I realized that I am not weak because I choose to show charity. I recalled this quote given by Elder Christofferson in general conference Oct. 2013. It was originally stated by the former general Young Women's president, Margaret D. Nadauld.
“The world has enough women who are tough; we need women who are tender. There are enough women who are coarse; we need women who are kind. There are enough women who are rude; we need women who are refined. We have enough women of fame and fortune; we need more women of faith. We have enough greed; we need more goodness. We have enough vanity; we need more virtue. We have enough popularity; we need more purity.”
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